As college acceptance decisions loom, I want to remind every student waiting with bated breath that you are not defined by the college you choose, you are not defined by your post-high school decision, but you will be defined by how you treat people. You have nothing to prove. Who you are is enough. With caution, I urge you to weight this moment with proper proportion, as proportion and harmony need not be strangers.
Placing too much stock in a process marred by ambiguity is a fool's bargain. For those that receive a yes tomorrow. Congratulations. I am so happy for you. Be proud. Be excited. Be humble. As Berry said, "you do not know the road; you have committed to a way."
I can't help but lament at what the college application process has become. Why can't this process be standardized, so students are spared the grueling process of completing different supplements for each school? When did the college application process morph into the equivalent of another rigorous class? Is it necessary to place such pressure and time commitments on high school students? Is there not admissions counselors at colleges across the land who are watching their own children grind away at a process that seems unnecessarily arduous? The last two rhetorical questions can be answered merely, no & yes.
Last year I witnessed a video online of a young student sitting by the computer awaiting notification from the college of his choice. He was surrounded by family all hovering about and peering over his shoulder. Undoubtedly with a pounding heart, he opened the email from the institution of his choice. A double-click away from the next four years of his life.
They simultaneously read the email and pandemonium erupted in the room. A great, triumphant moment for the young man and his family. It made me smile. Watching a dream come true for a young man or woman is always smile-worthy. Of course, the video went viral because he heard the word yes. This will play out millions of times across the country in the coming weeks.
It is impossible for me not to wonder, what would the reaction be if the 3 letter reply he hoped for (yes) was replaced with the dreaded 2 letter answer, NO! Knowing his family is anxiously awaiting a yes, I imagine "no" would have been crushing.
I fully recognize sitting in my position it is easy to tell students, don't worry, it will all work out, but I honestly believe it will. If you do not get into college #1, #2, or even numbers 3, 4, or 5, it will work out; you will end up where you belong. The college that accepts you is lucky to have you, and to the ones that said no, well use that rejection as fuel to demonstrate their colossal mistake.
In moments like this, it is difficult, but nonetheless necessary, to keep perspective. If the most devastating moment of the year is a rejection letter, then life is splendid. Know that your family and friends are proud of you no matter what.
I include an article written by CCHS senior, Chao Cheng, and I am sharing a New York Times article I read nearly three years ago. Below is a portion of the article I find particularly poignant. After being turned down by the colleges of his choice, a mother found a beleaguered and devastated son. She wrote him a letter. I included a portion of it below. It will all work out. I promise!
Dear Matt,
On the night before you receive your first college response, we wanted to let you know that we could not be any prouder of you than we are today. Whether or not you get accepted does not determine how proud we are of everything you have accomplished and the wonderful person you have become. That will not change based on what admissions officers decide about your future. We will celebrate with joy wherever you get accepted — and the happier you are with those responses, the happier we will be. But your worth as a person, a student and our son is not diminished or influenced in the least by what these colleges have decided.
If it does not go your way, you’ll take a different route to get where you want. There is not a single college in this country that would not be lucky to have you, and you are capable of succeeding at any of them.
We love you as deep as the ocean, as high as the sky, all the way around the world and back again — and to wherever you are headed.
Mom and Dad
Frank Bruni is an Op-Ed columnist for The New York Times. This essay is adapted from his book, “Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania.”
How to Survive the College Admissions Madness
